Dear New Era,

Thanks for updating your fitted hats. No, seriously -- I was just mourning the fact that my Tigers hat has already shrunken to smaller than my head after less than a year, so not having to repurchase another cap again will definitely be a bonus. However, while you were improving the line, couldn't you have made it so those plastic strands didn't come jutting out from under the crown seam after the first wearing and stab me in the head?

Concerned,
Rick

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Dear Invisalign,

STOP FRIGGING YELLING AT ME WITH YOUR COMMERCIAL. Your potential customers have uneven teeth, not bad hearing.

Seriously,
Rick

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Dear Jagged Edge,

"Baby Makin' Project"? Really? I mean, the chicks stopped paying attention to dance R&B after they felt a little poke coming through. At that point the self-referential joke had been taken as far as it could go. Or so I thought. Unless you guys are serious, in which case, um, good luck.

Your friend,
Rick

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Dear Pizza Hut,

Enough with the made-up words already. You're still inflicting "P'Zone" on us, and now you're expecting us to buy "unhunger"? Buy a stylebook.

Sincerely,
Rick

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Dear Rachael Ray,

No, seriously. It's over between us.

Love,
Rick

P.S. I peed in your EVOO.

Labels: open letters