Dear Ken Hughes,

If it's so important that I return your not-a-sales-or-solicitation call, maybe you should give me your actual phone number. After all, if my call was as important as the automated phone bank would have me think, it would connect me to you, wouldn't it? Either give me your direct line or stop calling me.

Your friend,
Mo

---

Dear adults,

Stop asking children under the age of nine whether they have significant others. It's not funny, and it just makes you look like assholes.

Thanks,
Mo

---

Dear Universal Studios,

You may not be aware of this, but sometimes girls go to your theme parks too. All the Marvel comics characters and fire-breathing dragons and flatulent Shrek dolls are great, but maybe you want to think about some feminine character products other than Betty Boop. It could help bring in the 50% of the population you're otherwise losing to Disney.

Sincerely,
Mo

---

Dear Rachael Ray,

Remember when you used to talk about quick, easy, inexpensive food? That was awesome. I mean, face it, girl, your travels to Italy and your six-dollar ballpark hot dogs and your dining on banana blossom salad in a Hollywood star's personal restaurant is starting to alienate your core audience. We all know you have more money now, but that doesn't necessarily mean you get to rub it in our faces. Stop televising the trips to the Trevi Fountain and get back to showing me how to make eleven kinds of hamburger.

Love,
Mo

Labels: open letters