TRUTH OR DARE

                             a short novel by
                                 RICK MOYA


                              (January 2000)



                                    ONE

     "It's amazing you can hold that all night and not be tempted to drink
it."
     I looked up at Heather Mackie, then glanced at the beer in my hand. 
"Well, I'm not really a drinker.  Mostly, I hold the bottle so nobody tries
to feed me alcohol.  Besides, I'll do it a little on social occasions."
     "And Chris's parties are definitely social occasions."  She glanced
around the crowded game room while plopping down onto the sofa beside me. 
I followed her eyes.  Surprisingly, of the nearly hundred Corona del Sol
band members filling the Stovers' oversized house, almost twenty weren't
drinking.  Chris's band-only parties were school-renowned as alcohol-
sodden, almost Bacchanalian romps, and other groups (usually football
players) often tried to crash.  But I hadn't had to kick anyone out yet.
     That was the only reason Chris tolerated my sobriety in his house -- I
agreed to be the enforcer.  He made sure that was clear on the invitation
maps; Richard Morales's word was as good as his own in his house.  And Dave
and Patty (Chris's parents) approved, not only of me but of the parties.  I
still sometimes couldn't believe that his parents trusted me to take care
of what was practically a mansion, and sometimes resented that they
expected me to keep the entire Warner Ranch neighborhood from calling the
cops.  But Chris and I had been best friends since conception, and the
Stovers saw me as their more responsible teenage son, going so far as to
designate a bedroom for me in this house.  As far as I was concerned, the
only reason they tolerated the parties was because they knew I'd be
regulating.  But Chris's powers of persuasion were incredible; they might
have let him have the parties even if I didn't exist.
     "Where is your slacker boyfriend anyway?" I asked.
     She shrugged, tossed back her long red hair, and took a swig of her
drink, no doubt something powerful.  Heather drank to get plastered, one of
the many things she and Chris shared.  They'd been together almost since
the instant they met freshman year, and I had no doubt they'd stay together
forever.  "You'd know better than I would.  You've known him longer."
     "Just because he's my best friend doesn't mean I understand him," I
reminded her.  "He's probably doing the Kurtz thing again, hiding in his
secret room with a select individual, pretending to be all sage and stuff."
     "It better not be a girl," she growled, "or I'll kick him in the
nuts."
     "Never can tell with Chris."
     She hit me, probably harder than she intended to. "What about you? 
Where's your better half?"
     "Chris wouldn't let her come."  Allie Coleman, my girlfriend of a
little over a month, wasn't -- and would never be -- a band member, citing
an allergy to nerds.  I must have done some kind of antihistamine therapy
on her, though, because she liked me.  She liked my brain anyway.  We were
chemistry lab partners, and I was helping her with a project the night I
first kissed her.  Not that I considered myself physically unattractive;
eight years of soccer had kept me fit.  But if she'd wanted a body, she had
a slew of football players who would have fallen all over themselves to
date her.
     "And you agreed to that?"  Heather jabbed me in the side.  "The
romance must be wearing off."
     I shrugged.  "Not really.  This is one of those situations where you
can't argue with Chris.  He's quite despotic about who can come to his
parties, just like he is about giving breaks in band.  You should know that
better than anyone."
     Heather nodded.  More than once, Chris's drum major ego had overridden
his love for Heather and kept him from letting her slack off.  "Still, I'm
a little surprised you came without her."
     "I had to.  Dave and Patty need me here.  Chris won't keep the joint
from burning down."  I sipped my beer.  "She didn't really want to come,
anyway.  She's still nervous about being shunned by my friends."
     Heather snorted.  "Pretty little cheerleader's still ashamed to hang
out with band geeks."
     "No, Allie's really not like that.  She's dating me, remember?"
     "That only proves she's narcissistic."  Save the sex difference, Allie
and I looked almost exactly alike.  Most of our friends thought we were a
sickeningly perfect match -- we had the same black hair (save that hers
reached past the middle of her back), olive skin, and hazel eyes, and she
was only a few inches shorter than my six feet.
     "Thanks a lot," I grumbled.
     "Well, it obviously means I think you're pretty."  Heather grinned. 
"I'm kidding.  From what I can see, she does like you.  But if you want
love...."  She trailed off and gestured toward the front door.
     I followed her wave and saw Sarah Lowell removing her coat.  Sarah
played clarinet, so I knew her pretty well.  For three years, she'd been
second chair to my first, and was probably better than me.  The only
difference was I didn't get as nervous in auditions.  Sometimes I still got
nervous around her, though.  I'd had a crush on her sophomore year, when
she was a freshman.  A pretty serious one, too; once I almost passed out
talking to her, not realizing I had been holding my breath.  It had long
since dissolved into a friendship, but sometimes I remembered.  Heather
didn't do any good, either; she never let me forget it.
     What made Heather laugh hardest about my romantic situation was that
my ex-crush was the antithesis to my current girlfriend.  Sarah was short,
not more than five feet tall, and had average white-girl looks, the kind
most girls don't want:  brown hair, brown eyes, fair skin with a few
freckles, and thin lips.  She was smart, probably going to graduate
valedictorian of her class, while Allie's troubles in chemistry were what
had pulled us together.  It perplexed Heather (and Chris, too) that I could
have been so crazy for Sarah just a year and a half ago, and was now with
her polar opposite.  I had no answer for them, either.  Love is blind.
     Sarah saw me and waved.  I waved back and motioned her over.  Heather
glanced at her watch-less wrist.
     "Look at the time!  I simply must be off."  She stood.  "Gonna go look
for my boyfriend and maybe kick his ass."
     I grinned.  "Nothing kinky.  There's freshmen here."
     "They'll live.  Chris might not."  She touched my shoulder.  "Catch
you later.  Don't forget to breathe."
     I glared playfully at her retreating form, then turned back to the
game room.  Sarah had managed to fight past the crowd of people observing
the game of pool and was almost to my couch.  She hugged me briefly before
sitting down.
     "How are you?" she asked.
     "Pretty good.  Still glowing after my third consecutive victory over
you on chair tests."
     She poked me in the side.  "Next year, you're gone.  And when you are,
first chair clarinet is all mine."
     "I don't know."  I grinned.  "Maybe I'll fail senior English and
repeat this year just so I can beat you again."
     "You'd do that, wouldn't you?"  She chuckled.  "Where's Allie?"
     "Band-only party.  Chris made me leave her home."
     "And you didn't beat him up to make him change his mind?
     I shrugged.  "It wouldn't help.  You know Chris.  He's as much of a
dictator about his parties as he is with the band.  You do what he says,
even if you can kick his ass."
     She nodded.  "Why do we follow that puny wimp anyway?"
     "Charisma.  The boy's got more than Hitler.  Fortunately, his only
evil agenda is to make us the best band in Arizona."
     "Which we are."  She stood.  "I'm going to get something to drink.  Be
right back."
     I watched her go, then turned my attention back to the game room.  It
was true that we were the best -- last month, we'd taken first at the ASU
Band Festival.  That was only part of the reason for the party, though. 
Chris had a "Saturday-after-Christmas" party every year, which had only
once in five years merged with his New Year's Eve party.  I didn't know why
he didn't just have one; but then again, cleanup crew usually consisted of
me and Patty while he slept off his hangover, so he never really knew that
two were sort of a pain in the ass.
     The reasons only mattered to me, anyway.  Chris never needed a reason
to party, but most parents needed one to let their kids do so.  It was my
responsibility to come up with the reason and get people here with consent. 
Once they were here, Chris took over the duty of getting them inebriated. 
Then I had to take care of any problems arising from that.  Most parents
accepted it; they knew it would happen sooner or later.  But every now and
then, an irate mother idly threatened to sue Dave and Patty because her
child had thrown up in the night.
     Sarah returned, holding a cup of safety-orange-colored liquid.  "Chris
intercepted me by the bar.  He invited us to a game of Truth or Dare.  Do
you want to do it?"
     I glanced at my watch.  Ten before midnight.  Perfect timing.  Every
"Saturday-after-Christmas" party culminated in an exclusive game of Truth
or Dare right at twelve.  The personnel changed every year, save me and
Heather.  But I wasn't about to let Sarah know that.  Chris had rules about
that.
     "What about my regulatory duties out here?"
     "He said you could take a break.  Come on.  It'll be fun."
     I stood.  "All right.  Where is it?"
     "His secret room.  He said you knew where it was."
     "Of course.  There's nothing I don't know about this house."  I took
her free hand.  "Come on."  I led her out the back door of the game room,
through the Jacuzzi room, through the kitchen, up a narrow staircase, and
down the wide hallway to the bedrooms.
     "Thanks for leading me," she said.  "I never would have thought of a
back way out of there.  And we'd still be pushing past drummers."
     "No problem."  I grinned.  "I'm all about your needs."
     She chuckled as we turned into a rather ordinary-looking room.  "So
where are we now?"
     "Chris's bedroom."
     "Really?  I don't believe you.  It's so clean."
     I pointed at the Tyra Banks poster on the wall.  "That's about the
only sign.  This is one of his few occupancies he cares about.  Lockers are
fleeting."  I let go of her hand and walked to the bookshelf.
     "Is that the secret room entrance?"
     "Yeah."  I grabbed a hardback book and yanked.  It clicked, and I
pushed on the bookshelf.  The right side rolled back, revealing a narrow
passageway.  "Pretty cool, huh?"
     She laughed.  "Just like in the movies."  She went through the new
doorway, and I followed, latching it behind me.
     We walked down the hall and turned a tight corner to find most of the
players already there.  All of them were section leaders in the band --
Chris liked to pull in the big shots.  There was no sign of him anywhere;
he enjoyed building suspense.  The others were sitting in a rough circle,
most facing away from the entrance.  Heather was sitting almost directly
across from it.  She smiled and waved us in.
     As we sat between her and Nick Argo, the two girls across from us
started whispering.  But that was nothing new -- Elaine Ronstein and Amy
Brock were always whispering to each other.  They both played saxophone, so
they did it constantly during rehearsal, a practice that annoyed Chris to
no end.
     "Whispering isn't very nice," I commented, leaning back against the
single bed.  Chris rarely used it -- he and Heather weren't at all shy
about their sexual practices -- but he liked having it anyway.
     "I told them that."  Drew Moreno poked Amy in the shoulder with one of
the drumsticks he always carried.  "They never shut up.  They're like a
couple of monkeys jabbering away."
     Amy poked Drew back.  "You're just jealous because you don't know
what's going on."  She and Elaine laughed.
     "That's what you think," Drew retorted.  "Everyone knows you're
gossiping about Richard.  And right in front of him, too.  How rude is
that?"
     I laughed.  "It was bound to happen.  The jabber always flies when a
band member starts dating someone.  I can't believe it took me this long to
hear about it, though."
     Elaine exploded in hyena-like shrieking cackles, then managed to
wrestle them under control and whisper in Amy's ear.  I didn't figure it
had to do with what I was saying.  Elaine would routinely burst out
laughing for no reason, sometimes even in the middle of the economics class
we shared.  Alcohol made her even worse.
     "It doesn't bother you that they're talking about you?" Sarah asked
me.
     I shrugged.  "It might if this weren't a band party.  If they were
just some random girls whispering in front of my face, I'd be pissed.  But
this kind of stuff always happens in band.  Nonstop gossip is the nature of
the beast.  I just happen to be the target right now because of Allie."
     She raised an eyebrow.  "What if they were plotting against you?"
     I laughed.  "It's all just talk.  What could they do?"
     A trumpet fanfare from the narrow hallway cut off her reply, if there
was one.  Chris swaggered into the room like he was ten feet tall, even
though the ceiling was only eight.  He threw the trumpet onto the bed and
sank down into a red bean bag chair (which he referred to as "the throne"),
throwing an arm around Heather.
     "Welcome to my inner sanctum," he said.  "The reason I pulled us in
here is to keep this private and sort of elite.  What goes on in here
should stay between us.  Nobody else needs to know."
     "Why the secrecy?" Nick asked.
     "Two reasons."  Chris leaned forward conspiratorially.  The rest of us
did, too, as though magnetically drawn.  "First, people always want in on
what they don't and can't know about.  It'll make us sort of revered. 
Second, it will give us something just for us.  Having that pulls us closer
together, and it's more fun and easier as a band to be close friends."
     I nodded.  Originally, Dave and Patty just wanted Chris to have a
cool, Clue-type secret room.  He'd modified it into a psychiatrist's office
of sorts, where nothing that happened in the room ever left it.  Chris and
I spent part of each day in his secret room, talking about life and school
and girls and other such matters.
     Chris leaned back into his throne.  "All right.  Let's start this
madness.  Nick, truth or dare?"
     "Wait a second," Elaine said.  "How come you get to start?"
     "Because it's my house."  He turned back to Nick.
     "Why Nick first?" she complained again.  "I've got such a good dare
for Richard."
     "Richard doesn't take dares," Chris answered.  "He's kind of a pussy."
     "And that threat scared me off for sure," I added.
     "I'll take a dare," Nick said.
     "Ooh, the challenge worked."  An evil grin crept across Chris's face. 
"I dare you to dance around in the game room while I play 'I Will
Survive.'"
     Nick nodded.  "No problem."
     "Without your pants."
     His face fell.  "Oh, man!  You're serious?"
     "Always."
     "Better just do it," Elaine advised.  "Second dares are mandatory and
usually worse."
     "You just want to see his butt," Amy muttered not quite under her
breath.
     "So?"  Elaine cackled and stood, leading the way out of the room. 
Chris went after her, followed by Amy, Drew, and finally Nick.  Sarah,
Heather, and I stayed on the floor.
     "You don't want to see this?" I asked Sarah.
     "Not really.  I have no urge to see that scrawny ass.  What about
you?"
     I shook my head.  "Too many times already."  I turned to Heather. 
"I'm a bit surprised you're missing out on the humiliation, though."
     She shrugged.  "I'm just too comfortable to move.  And too lazy."
     "And too drunk," I suggested.
     "Probably that too."  She smiled.
     Sarah poked me in the shoulder.  "So you really don't take dares?"
     I shook my head.  "Not with this many people in the game.  Especially
Elaine.  She's a little crazy.  If it's a really small game, like three or
four people, I usually will."
     "Yeah."  Heather snorted.  "Like two dares in a two-hour game.  Except
for that one time when you were plastered."
     Sarah laughed.  "You got drunk?  Richard the moderate?"
     "Only once."  I shrugged.  "Thought I'd see what it was like.  It's
why I don't drink that much anymore."
     "Really?"
     "You only want to wake up in here naked with a strange pair of panties
around your neck once."
     "There's nothing strange about my panties," Heather huffed.
     Sarah wiped a tear out of her eye as she tried to subdue her laughter.
     "So you understand why I don't take dares," I said.
     "No!  That's half the fun of it, the weird situations.  What will you
tell your children if you don't take dares?"
     "Same thing I just told you.  That one night I was a clothes rack for
my best friend's girlfriend's lingerie and it never happened again. 
Besides, I can live vicariously through others.  There'll be enough dares
in this game to do that."
     "Come on.  I dare you to take a dare."
     "I believe I'm supposed to be offered some sort of choice.  Besides,
it's not your turn."
     The bookcase creaked open, and laughter echoed down the passageway. 
Nick emerged first, bare-legged.  Chris followed, carrying Nick's pants. 
The others dragged behind, Drew leaning on Amy for support.  All five were
nearly hysterical.
     "That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life."  Chris
sank into the throne and threw Nick's pants across the circle.
     "It was actually fun."  Nick didn't bother to redress himself.
     "That was a great exhibition of your free spirit," Drew gasped before
cracking up again.
     Nick laughed.  "OK, Elaine, you were so eager to go before.  Truth or
dare?"
     She didn't flinch.  "Truth."
     "Did you get excited in any way to see me dancing around the room in
my Fruit of the Looms?"
     She cackled, this time uncontrollably.
     "I think that's a yes."  Nick held out both hands.
     "You've got them falling all over you."  I slapped him five as Drew
did the same on the other side.
     "She hasn't even answered yet," Sarah said.  "Honestly, men."
     Elaine managed a breath.  "OK, I was.  But it's probably because of
the vodka."  The laugh started again, with Amy and Heather joining in.
     Nick shrugged.  "Whatever it takes."
     Elaine sighed and wiped her eyes.  "My turn.  Richard, dare or dare?"
     I shook my head.  "Illegal operation.  Incorrect parameters.  Truth."
     "Fine.  Be a wimp."  Elaine sighed again.  "If you had to choose from
the people in this room right now, who would you choose as your next
significant other?"
     "Easy question."  It was -- of the three people I might choose, only
one wasn't involved with someone else.  Besides, the closest one happened
to be male.  "I'm gonna have to go with Sarah on this one, Johnny."
     "You know how perfect that answer is?" Elaine said.  "I think you've
made the absolute best choice."
     "Totally," Amy added.  "That was right on target for you."
     "Glad you think so.  I try to make the right choices."  I glanced at
Sarah, who smiled shyly and looked down.  "All right, Amy.  Truth or dare?"
     "I'll say truth this time."
     I grinned.  "Why are you not dating Drew when it's obvious you two are
crazy for each other?  Why don't you just bone and get it over with?"
     Amy -- and Drew -- turned bright red.  She cleared her throat and
glanced sideways at him.  "Well, we sort of already have."
     The ensuing roar of shock blotted out all things in my mind except
satisfaction.  "When?" Elaine asked.
     "After Festival," Amy answered.  "That night."
     "Why didn't you tell me?" Elaine demanded.
     "It's not even your turn!" Amy said.  "What's your problem?"
     Elaine sniffed.  "You call me your best friend."
     "I'll tell you all about it later," Amy promised.  She looked at the
circle.  "Sarah, truth or dare?"
     Sarah glanced at me.  She caught me looking and stuck out her tongue. 
"Dare."
     A satisfied grin slowly eased onto Amy's face, the same grin she'd
assumed when she'd beaten Elaine in chair tests.  "Kiss Richard on the
lips."
     Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah briefly lose her composure. 
Chris sat up straight.
     "Wait a second," he said.  "He's seeing someone."
     Amy shook her head, still grinning.  "On the lips or it doesn't count. 
The second is worse.  And you'll have to do it unless we see a little lip
action."
     "I could think of much worse things," Sarah whispered.  She looked at
me. "Do you mind?"
     I shrugged.  "It's just a game."
     She nodded and turned to face me.  As she leaned forward, I felt
myself doing the same.  As our lips touched, I could swear an electric
shock ran through mine.  We separated, eyes locked on each other's. 
Finally, she turned away, looking down at the floor.
     "I'll be right back," I mumbled.  I staggered to my feet and headed
out of the room.  I pushed through the bookcase, stumbled to the wall, and
leaned my forehead against it, trying to take in what I had just done.  Not
only had I kissed another girl behind my girlfriend's back, but I had
enjoyed it.
     Love for me had always been so concrete.  Since my first crush on
Lindsay Humphreys in middle school, I knew that someday I would find the
perfect girl for me.  We'd date for a while, finish school, get married,
and start a family.  But I always thought I'd know who the perfect girl was
right off.  I didn't think I'd have another girlfriend.  Allie was, in
fact, my first girlfriend.  Everything in my hopes, my dreams, and my
future plans hinged on her being with me for life.
     Sarah had allowed a sliver of doubt to creep into those plans.
     The bookcase closed behind me.  I turned around to see Elaine standing
in front of it.  She looked down, digging a toe into the carpet.
     "Hey," she said.  "Amy and I didn't mean to screw anything up for you
in there."
     "Really?"  I stood up straight.  "What about my relationship with
Allie?"
     "She's not right for you."
     "Who is?  Sarah?"
     She looked at me.  "Exactly.  We've seen how you are around each other
for three years.  And I know you like her, or at least you did.  And it's
totally obvious she likes you.  We're just trying to help you."
     "You can help me by not telling me how to live my life."  I headed for
the door.
     She stepped in front of me.  "You can't even see what's there between
you.  I'm trying to make it happen, because what you two potentially have
is too perfect to lose."
     "There's nothing there.  Remnants of a crush.  Listen, I know what I
want."
     "Are you sure?"  She looked at me for a second before retreating
behind the bookcase.
     I turned and looked out Chris's window.
     Elaine was right.  I didn't know what I wanted.
     I didn't even know how to find out.



                                    TWO

     "So then Lara says I need to shut up and stop being so bitchy about
everything.  But then Kristi jumps in and says I have a right to bitch,
because after all it was my car she spilled an entire strawberry shake all
over."  Allie took a sip of her water.
     I nodded.  I'd been doing more nodding than actual talking.  But then
again, I hadn't really been able to concentrate on what Allie was saying
anyway.  The simple fact that we were in Macayo's on a date seemed to
contradict what had happened with Sarah the day before (or that morning, as
it were).  So while conflicts of interest in love were running through my
mind, I couldn't very well focus on or sympathize with Allie's story of the
large pink stain in her back seat.
     Elaine had started me thinking, which is always a dangerous prospect. 
I knew I liked Allie; I never would have asked her out if I didn't.  But I
was realizing that I still liked Sarah.  How much was the problem.  I
couldn't tell whether I really wanted to break up with Allie and be with
Sarah or if it was just a latent, maybe long-gone crush trying to
re-manifest itself.  And maybe it would fail.  But from the way this date
was going, I wasn't sure.
     "Am I boring you?" Allie asked.
     I blinked, realizing she was talking to me directly.  "No.  I'm sorry. 
I'm listening.  I've just got a lot on my mind."
     "Yeah?  Like what?"  It almost sounded like a challenge.
     I shrugged.  "It's mostly my lesson with Dr. Applegate tomorrow.  I
haven't really practiced this week, and he's going to notice that I haven't
improved since last Saturday."  I wasn't totally lying.  I did have a
clarinet lesson the next day, but I didn't have anything I was specifically
supposed to be working on.
     She blinked.  "He'd notice that?"
     "Yeah.  He is a professional musician."
     "Well, some professionals don't really pay attention to that stuff. 
Like, I used to have dance lessons with this one girl...."
     I nodded, already beginning to tune her out.  Allie was always
talking, regardless of the situation.  I found that, as much as I wanted to
listen to her, sometimes I had to block her speech in order to retain my
sanity.  I never could figure out why she was uncomfortable with silence,
but if there was no sound specifically aimed at her, she only paused to
breathe or eat.  She even talked in her sleep, a mannerism I found
completely adorable.
     The whole reason for my conflict lay in that view, and in its
brothers.  Allie was perceptually everything I could ever want in a woman. 
Not only was she stunningly beautiful, but all her habits were cute and she
had an innate romantic side that, though incredibly cheesy, meshed
perfectly with mine.  I was the envy of most of the male population of
Corona del Sol, and many others that didn't even go to school there.
     But intrinsically, I was beginning to suspect that she wasn't the
right one for me.  That was what scared me more than anything else, that I
could have made an error in judgment in love.  Up until Sarah kissed me, I
knew I was right about dating Allie.  I knew I would be with her forever. 
But then again, up until 1492 people knew the world was flat.
     It wasn't until I saw Allie staring at me that I realized she'd asked
me a question.
     "I'm sorry," I said.  "I'm just really out of it."
     "I didn't realize how much," she answered.  "What are you playing?"
     "It's a piece for clarinet and cello.  I don't remember the name."
     "How does it go?"
     "You really want me to sing it for you?"
     "Sure."  I thought I heard a note of suspicion in her voice. 
Fortunately, I'd played the piece at my spring recital.  But I wasn't sure
how well I remembered it.  Of course that was a silly fear; Allie didn't
know Bach from buttermilk.  But the last thing I wanted was to get caught
in a lie, especially this one.
     The waitress approached the table with the check, giving me time to
think.  "How was your meal?"
     "Great," Allie said.
     I nodded and took the check.  As I placed the money on the table,
Allie stared at me.
     "Aren't you going to sing for me?"
     I laughed.  "I'll do it in the car."
     As I drove her home, I sang the duet as best I remembered.  It was
maybe fifteen minutes long, just enough for me to get to her house.  It
made things easy for me, because while I was singing, I wasn't spacing out
and then having to lie my way out of it.
     "That's pretty cool," she said as I pulled up at her house.  "Will I
get to hear you play it?"
     I shrugged.  "Maybe.  We're going through a repertoire of stuff right
now.  We haven't really decided what I should play yet."  I got out of the
car and walked around to open her door.
     She stood as I helped her out.  "It's not all your decision?"
     "Nope.  Dr. Applegate can tell what I sound best on from a few
run-throughs, and assign me to that.  I might play something totally
different for this spring's recital."  We walked to her door hand in hand. 
"I had fun tonight.  Sorry I kept blacking out on you."
     She laughed.  "It's OK.  I know how it gets when you're preparing for
something."
     We looked at each other for a moment.  Then I leaned over to kiss her. 
As my lips neared hers, she turned her head, and we ended up kissing each
other on the cheeks.  It didn't shock me as much as the first time she did
it two weeks before, but since then I hadn't kissed her on the lips once. 
It didn't seem right, that my own girlfriend wouldn't even kiss me the way
a friend had in a stupid little game.
     I stepped back, still holding her hand.
     "Well, good night."  She took her hand back and opened the door.
     "Good night.  See you tomorrow?"
     "Maybe.  Kristi wanted to do something.  I'll call you, we'll see
what's going on."  She smiled at me, then closed the door.
     I turned and headed back to my car.  Allie was notorious at making me
adhere to her schedule.  I didn't mind so much except when we only got to
see each other late at night, after everything else had already happened. 
Just once, I wanted to be able to take her out to Pinnacle Peak for a day
to picnic and hike and whatever.
     Or maybe not her.
     Sarah hadn't totally left my mind.  In fact, she was probably as
strong as ever.  But I was dating Allie, and my sense of one true love
hadn't gone away.  Even though sometimes it was frustrating, I was
determined to make this work.  Maybe it wouldn't.  But this was something
that was too important to be wrong about.  
     I couldn't let myself be wrong, even if I was.



                                   THREE

     "Stop."
     I took my clarinet from my lips and looked up at Dr. Applegate, only
slightly insulted that he'd interrupted my playing.  I didn't think I'd
done anything wrong -- the etude I was playing was the one I had used to
win first chair, the one I would play for my all-state band audition in two
weeks.  But after all, the man was the best clarinet player in southern
Arizona, and probably the best teacher in the whole state.  He knew what he
was talking about when it came to music.
     "Play that last phrase again."  He stood up and walked around behind
me, looking over my shoulder at the music stand.
     I did so, putting a little bit more passion into the music.  This
etude was a very relaxed number with an easy tempo -- not slow, but nothing
that would drive you to the edge of your seat.  The nature of the piece,
with its innumerable ups and downs, reminded me of my struggles within
myself.  Since the last night's date, I was even less sure what would
become of me and Allie.  Sarah didn't even play that big a part in the
internal nagging that woke me up several times in the night.  I doubt I
could have kept the emotion out of my playing if I tried.
     "You were closer to right the last time."  Applegate stepped away from
me.  "This part is supposed to be whimsical, not have a care in the world. 
You're playing it like it's the last rites of the world's last living
hopeless romantic."
     I had trouble keeping my mouth closed.  He had no idea how close to
home he'd just hit.
     "Here," he went on.  "Imagine you're six years old and on the
merry-go-round.  And this bit of the etude is the music you hear, not just
out of the speakers, but in your head.  Hang on.  That's too cheesy. 
Pretend you have a six-year-old, and that he's on the merry-go-round, and
you're watching.  You're content, not enthralled, not ecstatic, but just
pleased with what's going on.  Play this part like that."
     I chuckled.  "Sometimes your visualization techniques are totally
crazy."
     "So what?  They always work."  Applegate glanced at the clock.  "Whoa! 
We've gone a little late.  Sarah should be here."  He turned and opened the
door.
     Sarah stood in the doorway, hand raised to knock.  Her eyes bulged in
shock, surprised the door was no longer where it should be.  As soon as she
saw me, the shock gave way to a look of almost fear.
     We exchanged an awkward silence.  I attempted to smile at her, and did
so, feebly.  She returned it in kind and looked at the floor.
     "Oh, dear."  Applegate chuckled.  "Sarah's not her usual effusive
self.  I guess this is what comes of having one of those things ... what 
are they called ... social lives outside of music.  Where sadness can be 
more than the result of Mahler's works."
     "No, I'm OK."  Sarah stepped into the room.  "Just didn't sleep too
well."
     "And that is also the result of having a social life."  He closed the
door.  "While I've got you both here, let me pitch you an idea.  So I'm up
last night, thinking about my lessons for today, trying to figure out what
pieces were worthy of my students' recitals.  I got to Richard and I drew a
blank.  I've been your teacher for six years, and in that time we've done
all the really fun pieces in your style.  Went on to Sarah, same thing.  In
our two years, you've played everything he hasn't.  The ones I'd love to
hear you play are tunes that aren't exactly your style and would require
more practice, the things that have been in your folder for a year already
that we've discussed for the fall."
     "So we're not going to have a spring recital?"  It was no secret that
Sarah hated recitals.
     I chuckled.  "Don't get your hopes up.  He's got a plan."
     "Always do."  Applegate rubbed his hands together excitedly.  "As one
should when faced with imminent crisis, I began to think outside the box --"
     Sarah and I exchanged looks.  "Uh-oh," we chorused.
     "May I please finish?"
     I shrugged.  Whatever it was he'd thought of, it couldn't be too
excruciating.  Sarah didn't seem convinced.  She sat down and folded her
arms across her chest.
     Applegate began to pace.  "I began talking to myself, which drives
Marianne crazy.  Here are two of my best students, with lessons back to
back.  They go to the same school.  They're the top two chairs in their
band.  They have almost the exact same playing style, same preferences for
music, same type of clarinet, same brand and strength of reed, even. 
What's more, they're practically best friends.  They hang out outside of
band, they banter easily between their lessons, they've been known to talk
shop over dinner, which I bet drives significant others nuts."
     Little did the significant other know.  I glanced uneasily at Sarah. 
Her eyes were already on me.  She quickly looked down at her hands, and I
turned to the window, pretending to focus on a tree branch.
     "So I asked myself," he continued, "why not combine your recital
performances?  Why couldn't I have these two friends, who've worked so
closely through three years in their high school band, perform together,
work hand in hand on the stage?  It just so happens that I know three
wonderful duets from which we could choose, tunes which suit them
perfectly.  A duet is the answer to all of my musical struggles featuring
the recitals of Richard Morales and Sarah Lowell.  And my dear sweet wife
rolled over and said, 'There, you've found it, now shut your yap and go to
sleep.'"
     I looked out of the corner of my eye to see Sarah sneak a peek at me. 
"A duet?" she asked.  Her voice caught, almost imperceptibly, but I heard
it.
     "It'd be great."  Applegate's pacing had reached a fever pitch, with
the occasional hand gesture thrown in for good measure.  "You two together
on stage, playing a duet the way it was meant to be heard, like friends
talking.  We could squeeze in an individual tune, something simple, to show
that you can go alone, but the main attraction would be you together.  Plus
it'd be something that you could play for the city small group festival,
you know, as a warm-up for the recital.  What do you say?"
     I looked at Sarah full on this time.  She gazed back at me.  In the
considerably brief but terribly awkward and extremely intense moment that
our eyes met, I frantically tried to craft a reason -- any reason -- why I
wouldn't be able to do it.
     "That sounds like fun."  The words came out more like a dam overflow
than of my actually opening the floodgates.  "I'm game."
     Sarah nodded slowly, her eyes still on mine.  "Me too.  Let's do it."
     Applegate clapped his hands together.  "I was hoping you'd say that. 
Richard, can you stay around for a bit?"
     I nodded dumbly.
     "Wonderful.  I'm going to run over to the library really quick to get
the parts.  Be right back."  He flitted out the office door.
     As soon as he was gone, Sarah stood up and took a step toward me. 
"I'm so sorry about kissing you."
     "Are you really?"
     She shook her head.  "I wanted to do it.  I'm crazy about you.  I have
been since freshman year, almost the second we met.  But I didn't plan on
kissing you then.  Honestly, I had no idea that Elaine and Amy were going
to spring that one on me.  I figured it would probably have something to do
with you.  They know I have a crush on you.  Practically the whole band
knows.  And they want us to be together, they have since I first told them
I liked you.  I really respect you too, and I'd never willingly do anything
to hurt you or interfere in your life and plans and whatever.  But you know
the game, and you have to play by the rules, and really I only did it
because of the rules."  She turned away, finally taking her eyes off me. 
"Only I really, really enjoyed it."
     Now I had to sit down.  I hadn't expected that deluge to come flooding
out, not after I'd long since dismissed my infatuation with her as a lost
cause.
     "I really am sorry, though," she said.  "Not for kissing you or
anything, but for butting into your life and your thing with Allie.  I
don't want to mess anything up that's going on there.  Really."
     I looked up at her.  Our eyes locked for a few seconds, then she
turned away and trudged back to her chair.
     No sooner had she sat than Applegate trumpeted into the room, waving
photocopied sheets over his head.  "Here are the wonderful pieces, the
incredible music of my vision, that's going to bring a measure of wonder
into the lives of your friends and family, not to mention all my other
students and their families and friends, if only for one night.  Can you
two arrange a time to get together, go over these pieces, even if it's only
a sight-read, before next week?  I'd like to hear you play it, but I don't
really want you sight-reading in here, especially since we didn't plan
extra time for this little bit of rehearsal."
     "No problem."  Sarah looked at me.  "Tomorrow morning at my house?"
     I hesitated a moment as our eyes locked again.  "Sure.  Not too early. 
Like eleven or so."
     "OK.  I'm going out with Elaine at noon, but we can find another time
to work more."
     "Hey, hey!" Applegate interrupted.  "You don't need to perfect it. 
We've got three months before ensemble, never mind five before recitals. 
Next week, just schedule an extra half hour onto the ends of each of your
lesson times, we'll use the overlap to work on the big things, and Sarah
can dig a little into my lunch break to finish her own lesson."
     She looked at me again.  "That sounds fair to me."
     "Me too."  I collected my music off the stand.  "I should probably get
out."
     "Yes, stop interfering with the time that would otherwise be spent by
your soon-to-be successor learning how to beat you."  Applegate furnished
a grin.
     "Never happen."  I chuckled.  "See you tomorrow, Sarah."
     "Bye."  She reached out for a hug.  My brain skipped a beat before
allowing me to give it out.
     As I put my arms around her, she whispered in my ear.  "I'm sorry."
     "It's OK."  The words were out before I really knew it.  Never mind
that the statement was as far from true as it could possibly be -- one kiss
brought on by a stupid little game had complicated my life more than a
Rubik's Cube left in a baby's playpen for an hour.  The mere possibility
that Sarah liked me had resurrected the small remaining glimmer of my crush
on her and made it glow, not quite like a fire, but more like a birthday
candle.
     What frightened me most was that the candle was under flammable
drapes, and my relationship with Allie was clinging precariously to the top
like a scared cat.  I still wanted to nurture it, wanted to bring out the
love and desire for companionship I knew were there inside, but the way
things were going, it looked like Sarah's flames might get there first.
     I let go of Sarah and began to back toward the door.  She took a step
back and managed a half-smile.
     "Eleven o'clock.  If you're late, I'm gonna hit you."
     "Don't worry.  I'll be on time."  I scooped up my case.  "See you next
week, Dr. A."
     "Looking forward to it.  Oh, and work on the Debussy for next time."
     I nodded, still backing out.  I waved goodbye before closing the door
behind me and leaning up against it.  Inside, I could hear Applegate and
Sarah talking about her pieces, and I was sure they could hear my mind
racing as I tried to piece things together.
     I knelt and took my clarinet apart.  Maybe my relationship with Allie
wasn't all I thought it was.  Maybe we weren't meant to be together.  Maybe
we would have to dismantle it too, because the music wasn't coming out. 
But it could.  And it should.  The greatest musician can play the most
horrible of instruments and make it sound like a custom horn.
     I snapped my case shut and stood up.  I knew I could make our
relationship play.



                                   FOUR

     Don't call.
     I kept repeating the mantra to myself as I sat at my computer, surfing
the Web semi-randomly, looking for some fun pages that I could maybe link
to from my own.  I did it out of boredom -- the Internet was one of the
things that I turned to when I didn't have anything else planned and wanted
to eat up the time until I started getting tired.  At least, that's what I
was telling myself now.
     I looked at the phone again.  She still hadn't called.  I'd been doing
this for four hours, waiting for the phone to ring, and nothing.
     After my lesson, I'd spent the entire afternoon thinking about the
best way to save my relationship with Allie.  It had occurred to me that a
lot of the maintenance had fallen on my shoulders -- since school got out
for break, I was the one making all the calls, paying for all the meals,
driving to all the movie theaters.  I wondered if she maybe didn't want to
save the relationship, or maybe she didn't know it needed saving.
     This was why I was obstinately refusing to call.
     I felt kind of guilty for it, too.  When we started dating, we had
agreed to not play any stupid little games with each other.  I hated those
things, where one person pretended to not be that interested in the other
in order to make the other dance around on tiptoes so that the one doesn't
get mad at tiny transgressions, lest the other have to face the ultimate
scorn of the Big No.  My philosophy was, and always had been, that if I
liked a girl, it made no sense to try and hide it.  I wanted her to know,
and I didn't care how many other people ended up knowing.
     But here I was, pretending I didn't want to hear her voice, when all I
really wanted was to talk to her about us.  I wanted to find out exactly
where she thought we were, where she thought we were going, and how she
felt about me.  Maybe hearing it would help me to make a decision, or at
least begin to lean in a direction.  Right now, I truly had no idea which
way I was going to turn.
     I glanced at the phone.  There was no way I was giving in.  She was
calling me this time.  The last time she'd called me was before our
chemistry final, when she asked me to swing by so we could go over our
notes one last time before the test.  We'd spent about equal time studying
and cuddling that night, true.  But -- coincidentally? -- that marked the
last night I'd kissed her goodnight properly (indeed, the last time she'd
touched me aside from welcome and goodnight hugs), and the last night I'd
even set foot inside her bedroom.
     Still, I was reticent to say that I'd been used for her grade.  Allie
had me as a helper before I was ever her boyfriend, and could have easily
retained me without kissing me back that first time.  Of course I would
have been upset if she hadn't.  But it probably would have been easier to
deal with than the battles going on in my head and my heart, especially
since she'd started largely ignoring me and I learned about Sarah's desire
for me.
     That was another thing.  Just knowing that Sarah had a reciprocal
crush had relit mine for her, and the more I thought about Allie, the more
the flame of that crush seemed to grow and spread.  I was beginning to feel
more and more that maybe in order for everything to be right, I needed to
be with Sarah.  Maybe she really was the girl that was right for me.  When
you take the SAT, they tell you to go with your first instinct because it's
usually right.  Perhaps I should have done that when I had the chance.
     It wasn't that I wanted to end things with Allie.  As rocky as things
seemed now, I still strongly believed in one true love, and felt that
things could work out with her.  It would just require a little time and
nurturing to bring out the romance that I knew was there somewhere.
     But I still had a bad feeling about it.
     I stared at the phone for a long moment.
     There was no way I was going to win this one.
     Grabbing the receiver, I dialed Allie's number.
     She picked up on the fourth ring.  "Hello?"
     "Hey."
     "Oh.  Hi.  What's up?"
     "Nothing really.  I just wanted to hear your voice."
     "That's sweet."  She said it as though I was holding her hair back
while she puked.  "How are you?"
     "I'm all right.  Had a long day of practicing.  I always come out of
that lesson pumped up to work on my music, and end up four hours later with
a sore jaw."
     She chuckled.  "You work so hard.  Not like me, Miss Slacker over
here."
     "Get off.  You're one of the best dancers I've ever seen.  You must
have worked hard to get there."
     "Yeah, I guess you wouldn't know a whole lot about dance.  I'm barely
mediocre."
     "Some people can get away with calling themselves mediocre.  You're
the last one I'd think of.  You make me look like a fool."
     "How would you know?  We've never danced together."
     "Yeah, well, Winter Ball's coming up."
     She hesitated.  "Yeah."  The word seemed to force itself out.
     She'd never been so reluctant to agree to a date, not even when I'd
invited her to go paintballing, which required her to get messy.  Something
was up.  "What's wrong?"
     "Nothing."
     I forced a chuckle.  "I'm not convinced."
     "Well ... I just thought you weren't into those things."
     "No, not when I was single.  Of course not.  I wouldn't have a
beautiful girl to show off, never mind a steady dance partner for the
night."
     No answer.
     I cleared my throat.  "So how was Kristi?"
     "She's fine.  Getting over the last of her cold."
     "What did you guys do today?"
     "We went to the mall.  Hung around for a little while, had lunch in
the food court.  I got these great new shoes to go with my dark outfits. 
We ran into Katie and Lara, and we went out for coffee."
     "Have you been home long?"
     "Yeah.  I got back around four.  Just been watching TV with my folks. 
Nothing special."
     It was almost nine.  I stared at the phone in disbelief.  I'd been
preparing to understand her having been out of the house until now. 
Learning she'd been home doing nothing and still hadn't wanted to talk to
me hit me hard in the face.
     "Still there?"  Her voice shook me back to reality.
     "Yeah.  Sorry."
     "Do you have clarinet on the brain again?"
     "A little.  Hey, do you still want to go to Chris's party tomorrow?"
     "I guess so.  Isn't it going to be full of band geeks?"
     "Yeah, we tend to attract our own kind.  There'll be others there,
though.  The Saturday-after party is a band-only shindig, but all kinds of
people get invited to the New Year's Eve bash.  Chris usually invites the
football team to atone for turning them away from crashing the band-only
ones."
     "Do they actually show up?"
     "A lot of them do, yeah.  Parties at Chris's house are guaranteed to
have tons of booze, loud music, and mass abuse of the facilities.  We keep
people from putting holes in walls and stuff, but the next day we clean
beer bottles out of toilets and underwear out of the pool."
     "So it gets kinda crazy, huh?"
     "In the sense that I usually end up pleading with angry neighbors not
to call the cops."
     "Why you?"
     "I'm kind of the regulator.  I'm the Stovers' honorary responsible
son.  Since Chris throws parties to get drunk and play Ping-Pong, I'm in
charge of kicking people out and keeping others happy.  I'm kind of the
customer service department."
     She chuckled again, even more forced than mine.  "So you don't get to
enjoy the festivities yourself?"
     "No, I do.  I'll play a game of pool, drink a beer, help to throw
people into the hot tub.  I just have to stay coherent and keep an eye out
for anything too extreme.  Dave and Patty basically raised me, as much as
my mom raised Chris, so I feel partly responsible for what goes on there."
     "I see."  She seemed to consider this.  "Yeah, I'll go.  It can't be
that bad."
     "They're fun.  You'll see."
     She paused for a moment.  "I should go.  My folks kinda start to get
antsy if I'm on the phone after nine."
     "I know."  This was her usual line to get off the phone with me.  "Do
you want to go out for dinner before the party?"
     "I don't know.  Do you?"
     I blinked.  Was that indecision or flat-out avoidance?  "Yeah, I think
it would be fun."
     "OK.  Where do you want to go?"
     "Do you have a preference."
     "Not really.  Surprise me."
     "All right.  I'll pick you up at seven or so."
     "Sure."  Another moment's pause.  "I really need to go."
     "OK.  I'll see you tomorrow."
     "Sure.  Bye."
     "Bye."
     I put the phone back in its cradle.  The conversation had frustrated
me even more than before.  It had also added a sense of despondency to my
ever-growing inner turmoil.  I'd always felt -- no, *known* that Allie was
my one.  I knew that we could make our relationship work.  I knew that we
were meant to be together until the end of time.
     Now for the first time, I knew that it wasn't going to work that way. 
I knew something -- or someone -- would have to give.



                                   FIVE

     I looked up at Sarah as we held out the last note.  The pieces we'd
just finished had surprised me -- they were far too easy for Applegate to
have picked them out.  They certainly weren't "Mary Had a Little Lamb," but
the piece he'd given me for the fall recital had been mind-thumpingly
difficult.  We'd read these three with relatively few problems.
     As we put our clarinets down, Sarah revealed she'd read my mind. 
"He'll give us something harder on Monday."
     "Oh, there's no way he would give us something that wouldn't give us
fits practicing."  I glanced at my watch.  "You need to go soon, right?"
     She looked up at the clock.  "Elaine'll be here in about ten minutes. 
We can work a little bit more."
     "Well, I think we're doing OK for now."  I gathered my music together. 
"Besides, I'm not too keen on another round of teasing from her when she
sees me at your house."
     "Oh, yeah."  She sat down on the couch.  "Listen, I really am so sorry
about  "
     "Stop apologizing!"  I sat next to her.  "You've apologized already
about a thousand times, just here while we were practicing.  I don't know
how much longer I can forgive you without taking it all back out of spite. 
Besides...."  I trailed off.  I wasn't sure how much of the next part I
should be telling her.  Instead, I turned to pick up my case.
     She leaned closer.  Without looking, I could tell she was trying to
get a look at my face.  "Besides?"
     I shook my head.  "It's nothing."
     "No, it's not.  Tell me what you were going to say."
     I slowly took my clarinet apart, acutely aware of her eyes burning
into the back of my head.  The news that maybe Allie didn't love me enough
to spend forever with me had just struck last night.  I hadn't had time to
think this far ahead, to my next meeting with Sarah, to what I would say,
what I would do, whether I should pretend or come clean.
     The simple truth was that I still liked Sarah.  A lot.  I realized it
when she kissed me, and now wanted to do something about it.  Things
weren't working out with Allie, and that whole situation was a downward
spiral leading to a breakup.  I still didn't want to play any games, with
her or myself.  Inside my heart, a voice kept saying my life would get
instantly easier when I broke up with Allie and brought Sarah into my life. 
Besides, this time I knew there was no chance that Sarah was going to shoot
me down.
     On the other hand, I hadn't yet ended things with Allie.  And no
matter how badly they were going, no matter how intent I was on closing the
relationship, I couldn't make myself go behind her back if it wasn't
officially over.
     "You're not leaving this house until you tell me what you were going
to say."  Sarah's voice ripped through my thoughts like a high school
football team running through a paper banner.
     I snapped my case shut and turned to face her.  "I was going to
suggest that maybe I should be thanking you."
     Her face froze in shock.  "What?  Why?"
     "Well...."  I looked down, unsure how to continue.  "Since you
kissed me on Saturday, I've been doing a lot of thinking.  Before, I
thought that I'd be with Allie forever.  Or whoever it happened to be that
I first started dating, it didn't matter.  See, I have this crazy romantic
side that always told me I would find my one true love, and when I did, I'd
know it, and she'd be the first one I ever went out with.  In fact, I
wouldn't let myself start dating anyone until I was sure that I'd be
spending the rest of my life with her."  I looked up.  "That sounds
stupid."
     She shook her head.  "No.  Well, it's a little silly."
     "I know.  I finally figured that out last night.  Allie's a nice
person, she's fun to hang around with, and I like her.  But she's not my
one.  We were closer as friends and study partners than we are as boyfriend
and girlfriend.  I hardly see her anymore.  When school was in, we used to
make up excuses to go out in the middle of the night for coffee or just to
drive out past Scottsdale and look at the stars.  Now we don't need excuses
and we're not spending any time together.  The only excuses are the ones
she comes up with to not see me."
     "It sounds like she's not too keen on your relationship."
     "If you were Elaine and today was Saturday, I'd say you were doing
your damnedest to get me to break up with her and chase after you."
     She half-smiled and looked down.  "Well, I'm kinda trying a little."
     "You don't have to try hard.  I think you're right.  Finally, after
two weeks of being neglected by her, I've made the hardest decision of my
life so far.  We need to end."  I looked down again.  "See, it's easy for
me to say that when I'm with you.  I'm not trying to break up with you.  I
just don't know if I'm going to be able to finish things with Allie.  When
we're together, I get so frustrated with her, but there's still a part of
me saying that we were meant to be."  I shook my head.  "I'm such a wussy."
     "No, you're not."  She put an arm around my shoulders.  "Breaking up
is a hard thing for anyone to do.  Especially if they're hopeless romantics
like you."
     "It shouldn't be if your partner isn't right for you."
     Silence took over.  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Sarah
sitting -- literally -- on the edge of the couch.  I knew what she was
waiting for.  I just wasn't entirely sure I should say it.
     I looked at her.  "You know, the real hell of this whole thing is that
I wanted things to work with Allie.  And I thought they were.  Then I had
to look at things all over again, and I realized that nothing was working
with Allie.  In fact, looking at things, I know one person with whom things
can and will work.  It's practically guaranteed.  But I just might be too
chicken to go and get it started."
     Our eyes locked again, this time for what seemed like an eternity. 
Then she leaned toward me and pressed her lips against mine.  After a
second, her eyes fluttered open, and she looked quizzically into mine
before pulling away, no doubt wondering why I hadn't kissed her back.
     "You're right," I said.  "It's you.  Please don't get upset.  I'm not
spurning you, not in the slightest.  But I really can't do anything until
the end of me with Allie is complete.  It doesn't feel right.  Well, I
mean, it does.  But that's what feels wrong about it.  In name, I still
belong to Allie.  I'd feel like a jerk to not have closure there and just
start throwing myself all over you."
     She looked down.  "I understand."
     "I'm glad you do."
     I stood and picked up my stuff.  She followed me to the door.  As I
opened it, I felt her hand on my arm.
     "You're serious about me?"
     "Unflappably.  I'd never lie about something like this."
     She looked at me for a moment, then reached out and hugged me.  "You
better not be lying.  You have no idea how badly it would devastate me."
     I squeezed my eyes shut, savoring the hug.  I wanted it to last
forever.
     When Allie was out of the picture, it could.
     She held me tight for a moment before stepping back.  "Will she be
there tonight?"
     I nodded as I took a step backward out the door.  "We talked about it
last night.  She's going to try really hard not to have any fun.  Maybe
she'll leave me before I get the chance."
     She laughed.  "Well, if she does, find me."  Suddenly, she leaned
forward and kissed me on the cheek.  Stepping back inside, she smiled shyly
at me.  "That's for incentive.  I'll see you later."
     She waved and closed the door.  I put one hand over my cheek as I
stared at the closed door.  There was no doubt in my mind now what I had to
do.  It was even what I wanted to do.  The trick was to work up the courage
to do it.
     And I had no idea how I was going to pull that off.



                                    SIX

     I came down the stairs from the bar, a drink in each hand, and looked
over at my couch.  At least she hadn't abandoned me.  Allie sat in the dead
middle, the one calm spot in a room full of drunken, partying teenagers,
the eye of the hurricane.
     A large guy, wearing a Corona letter jacket, sat next to her.  I
vaguely recognized him -- he'd come to Chris's parties before, one of the
guys who liked to swagger around with his football buddies, making jokes at
the expense of the band and laughing at the football ones we shot back. 
But he was alone now.  Except for Allie.  They talked animatedly, and I
wondered if he wasn't trying to put a move on her.
     Good.  The easier to close the deal.
     I walked over to the couch and sat on the other side of Allie.  She
didn't flinch.  I touched the corner of the glass I'd brought to her
against her neck.
     She whipped around, startled.  "God!  That's cold!"  She slapped my
arm playfully as she took the drink.  "Asshole."  She took a sip, then
smiled at me.  "Thank you."
     "Of course."  I kissed her cheek, then extended my hand to the big
guy.  "I'm Richard."
     "Tony."  He shook it, nearly crushing my hand in the process.  "Allie
talks a lot about you.  You're a lucky guy."
     I chuckled.  How little he actually knew.  "Yeah, I like to think so."
     He stood up.  "Well, I'm gonna go try to get in on that pool table. 
See you guys later."  He ambled off.
     I watched him go, sipping my drink.  "What were you guys talking
about?"
     "Nothing, really."  Allie looked at her fingernails.  "School. 
Football.  Kinda boring, actually."
     "Ah."  It would be, if she couldn't dominate the conversation.  I
glanced around the room.  Surprisingly, the party was running quite
smoothly without my regulatory force.  Chris had hired Nick and Amy to
cover me while I spent time introducing my girlfriend to her first New
Year's party at the Stover house.  They'd been a little overzealous at
first, making the party feel like an episode of "COPS" gone horribly wrong,
but were handling themselves well now.
     I sipped my drink.  It was my third of the evening.  Not that it was
anything to be overly impressed about; we'd been there nearly three hours. 
But I didn't usually have three in a whole night, and I never had mixed
drinks.  I'd thought that by getting a little tipsy, it would make it
easier for me to break up with Allie.
     Only she was on her ninth or tenth.  I looked over as she drained half
her glass.  She had to be feeling out of it.  I'd never been with her at
any event serving alcohol before, but I was positive she didn't normally
drink like that.  In fact, we'd talked about our philosophies on drinking,
and she had straight up agreed with me that getting really drunk was
stupid.  There was no way she was feeling good.  I would have to be an
asshole to try and break up with her then.
     It wasn't that she hadn't been frustrating me.  God knew I'd already
put up with a lot from her.  We mingled a little bit when we first arrived,
but I barely got to set up the security with Chris before she whisked me
over to the football players.  She'd only allowed me to introduce her to
Sarah, but didn't pull me away fast enough to miss a knowing glance from
her.  Then we'd been sitting on this couch for two hours, the very couch I
escaped in bringing her.  Not that I minded sitting on it -- it was
comfortable, I'd spent entire evenings on it before -- but I couldn't even
enjoy my reprieve from officer duty at the pool table or in the backyard. 
It almost seemed like she was trying to get me to dump her.
     She finished her drink, then turned to me.  "I'll be right back. 
Gotta hit the little girl's room."
     "All right."  I squeezed her hand, then watched her walk across the
game room.  She was uncannily steady for having drunk so much.  I rethought
her stance on alcohol, back when she had so vigorously agreed with me.  It
had to be a lie.  She couldn't possibly be so at ease now, after three
hours of steadily pouring alcohol down her throat, if she didn't normally
drink.  I wondered how many other lies she'd told me.
     Heather's voice came from behind me.  "Are you really matching Allie
drink for drink?"
     I sighed.  "No.  Who told you that?"
     She walked around the couch and sat next to me.  "I've been watching
you off and on.  Every time you bring her a new glass, you have one of your
own."
     "Most of mine are water.  Even though I'm not on patrol duty, I still
feel like I need to stay coherent."  I gestured with the Screwdriver in my
hand.  "This is only my third."
     "That's two more than normal.  And they're mixed."  She raised an
eyebrow at me.  "What's gotten into you?"
     I glanced across the room, the way Allie had gone, and sighed.  "I'm
trying to raise the confidence it'll take to break up with Allie."
     "Seriously?"
     I nodded.
     "Well, alcohol will do that."  She leaned back into the couch and
sipped from her drink.  "Is this because of the Truth or Dare game Saturday
night?"
     "More or less."
     She smiled.  "So you're finally turning the right way."
     "I didn't say it was for Sarah."
     She looked me in the eyes.  "I didn't say that, either.  Is it?"
     I sighed and took a gulp of my drink.  "It's not just for her."  I
stood and set my glass on an end table.  "I gotta hit the bathroom.  All
that water caught up with me.  When Allie comes back, would you keep her
here for me?  Let her know I'll be right back and then stall."
     Heather nodded.  "No problem.  Enjoy yourself."
     I managed a snicker and headed away.  As I crossed the foot of the
stairs, Chris caught me by the shoulder.
     "I need to talk to you for a sec."
     I looked in the direction of the bathroom.  "Can it wait?  I'm about
to explode."
     "Use my bathroom."  Without further fanfare, he pulled me up the
stairs and into his room.
     "What's this about?"  I had a pretty good idea, but I asked anyway.
     He shut the door and gestured to the bathroom.  "I'll be inside when
you're done."  He pushed the bookshelf out of the way and went into his
secret room.
     I looked after him, wondering how much he knew about what was going on
in my brain.  Chris had this innate sense for other's inner workings.  I
wanted to follow him right then, but my bladder quickly reminded me why I'd
left the couch in the first place.
     I relieved myself, then entered the secret room.  Chris was slouched
on his throne.  He sat up when he saw me and gestured to a pillow across
from him.  This was standard for our talks, especially when he knew
something was bothering me.
     He waited until I sat on the pillow.  "I just learned you're sitting
your normal watch with Allie by your side, only with more alcohol.  With a
reprieve, I expected you guys to be in the pool fully clothed, or at the
very least lying on the grass outside."
     I sighed.  "She's grown distant.  I'm seeing things that I never
noticed before.  Either they just appeared or I didn't want to see them."
     "Like what?"
     "Like how she disconnects our phone calls prematurely.  The way I
drive everywhere and pay for everything only after setting it all up myself
first, with minimal help from her.  Tonight we went down to Richardson's. 
She didn't help select it, she made me order for her and then she didn't
even eat half her meal."  I looked down at my feet.  "I need to end it."
     "After all your talk of one love forever?"
     "Well, she's not it.  I've learned a lot of things about myself and
about her in the last couple of days."
     He sat back.  "Because of what happened in here."
     I nodded.  "The main thing I learned is that I'm really not happy with
Allie.  I'm doing everything I can to make it work, and it's just not."
     "And you think you'll be happy with Sarah."
     I looked up at him.  "I didn't say anything about Sarah."
     He didn't say anything, just stared back at me.
     "OK, you're right."  I looked back down.  "Let me put it this way. 
I've always been looking for perfection, right?  I go through phases, where
I think one girl is right for me in every way, and then six months later
I'm not even talking to her.  I've only known Allie since the beginning of
this semester."
     "Not counting all the drooling we've done at football games," Chris
interjected.
     "That doesn't count.  I didn't really know her, like talk to her and
stuff.  We only started talking when we got paired up for chem lab.  That's
when I started thinking she was right for me, and I figured since we worked
well together in class, why couldn't we work well together in life?"  I
shook my head.  "Now I see that's ridiculous.  But at the time, it seemed
reasonable."
     "It doesn't now?"
     "No.  We can't even work well together in the car between school and
her house.  I thought she was so perfect before.  But like I was saying, I
finally realized that all the girls I used to think were perfect are no
longer in my life.  Except Sarah.  Since I met her, she's gone from an
insanely intense crush to one of my closest friends.  And just recently, I
realized the crush was still there.  It had just subsided some.  I would be
asking myself why I'd ever passed her up, except at the same time I learned
my crush was still there, I learned it wasn't too late."  I looked up at
Chris's face.  "I think she just might be my perfect one."
     Chris smiled.  "At last you've finally come to the right decision. 
We've all been saying that for two years."
     "Who's we all?"
     He pointed to the door.  "Step out there and pick out any band
member."
     "You're serious."
     He shrugged.  "It's not that hard to see.  We all see how you two
interact all the time.  It's like you're dating already.  Obviously you
like her, obviously she likes you.  The only thing that's missing is the
word 'couple.'"
     "And I'm just finding out about this now."
     "You're the one who avoids listening to the rumor mill.  We've just
been respecting your wish not to hear any of it."
     I turned away.  Now that I looked back on it, I finally saw what
everyone else did.  We spent most of our time in band talking to each
other, working things out, teasing and flirting, and really enjoying each
other's company.
     It was obvious to everyone but me.
     "Don't worry."  Chris chuckled.  "The man in the relationship is
always the last one to find out."
     I looked down, lost in thought.  If everyone already knew what I'd
just found out, then it wouldn't shock anyone when I acted on it.  Even if
it meant going back on what I knew was true.  And now, with the backing of
all hundred fifty band members, I finally had the courage to do it.
     I had to find Sarah.
     But first, I had to end it with Allie.
     Chris read my mind.  "Do it now.  Before you lose confidence in
yourself."
     I eyed him.  "What makes you think I will?"
     "Because you have before.  Christ, it's taken you two and a half years
to get this far.  It's about damn time you take the next step."
     "All right."  I chuckled.  "Thanks, man."
     "Any time you want me to point out the obvious, just let me know."
     I stood.  "So are you coming back to your party?"
     "In a bit.  I just have to write this down."
     "What will you write?"  Chris kept a journal of everything that
happened in the secret room.  It also never left.  I was the only one who
knew about it, even though I'd never seen it.
     "That Richard Morales finally got off his pussy ass and did the thing
he wanted to do for years but didn't know it."  He laughed and stuck his
hand out.  "Good luck out there, buddy."
     "Thanks."  I grabbed it briefly, then headed back to the party.  I had
a mission, the same one I'd apparently had since sophomore year, and I was
finally going to complete it.
     I'd barely hit the bottom step when Allie took my arm.  "Can I talk to
you outside?"
     There was a tone to her voice that I hadn't heard before.  Maybe she
was going to be honest with me at last.  At any rate, this part promised to
be easier than I thought.  "Sure."
     We waded through the party to the front door and stepped out.  There
were benches along the front walk and driveway, but she showed no sign of
stopping until we had gone all the way past the entrance gate and reached
the curb.  She sat down on it, next to the mailbox, and looked up at me
expectantly.  I sat next to her and cleared my throat.
     Before I could even open my mouth, she started talking.  "Look, I'm
gonna cut right to the chase.  I think we need to break up."
     All I could do was stare.  I'd expected it to be easier than I
thought, but I had no idea that she was going to do the work.
     "I really like you," she continued, apparently oblivious to my shock. 
"I think you're a nice guy, and I have fun hanging out with you.  But it's
like you take everything we do so seriously.  Like you're already planning
to marry me or something.  But we're just in high school.  I don't want a
real serious relationship.  I want to be with someone I can have fun with
and know that it's just for fun.  Like, it doesn't have to have some major
effect on our future forever.  And I wanted you to be that, I really did. 
But we've been together for a month, and I've been trying to get you to
lighten up, and you're just not."
     I barely managed to restrain a laugh.  Here I'd been trying to find
the love of my life, when that was the last thing she wanted.  It had never
even occurred to me to have a girlfriend just for the sake of the name.
     "Like, every time I want to go out with my friends," she went on, "you
get all huffy and stuff, like I should be with you all the time instead. 
There's no reason we have to spend all our free time together.  I mean, of
course you should have some time, but I've been friends with all these
girls, like, forever, and really I've only known you since August."
     So all she'd ever wanted was a friend she could kiss and manipulate,
one who'd be there if she ever needed something that might not be cool.  I
nodded as this realization suddenly hit me.
     She took it as encouragement.  "I only really started to go out with
you because of that first kiss.  And yeah, it felt good, and I liked it
that you did it.  But I thought you felt the same way I did, that we were
too young to get so serious.  When you started talking about our future and
clinging to me in the halls and stuff, I got kinda scared.  I'm not ready
for all that, and I don't really think anybody is at our age."  She looked
closer at my face, probably to see if I was crying.  "Are you OK?"
     I nodded.  "Yeah.  You're right.  You know, you're my first
girlfriend, so I know I went a little overboard.  You're beautiful, you're
fun, you're nice, so I couldn't help but start hoping we'd spend our lives
together."
     "It doesn't always work that way."  She put her hand on my knee.  "I'm
sorry to do this tonight.  With the New Year's kiss coming up and all. 
It's just that I wouldn't feel right starting it by kissing you if I didn't
plan to be with you."
     "It's OK.  I totally understand."  I put my hand on top of hers.  "We
have such different values and beliefs that I don't think we could have
made it work even if we'd both wanted to."
     "So you're not upset?"
     "Well, a little.  Probably standard first breakup stuff.  It's my
first one, I don't know for sure."
     She laughed with me.  "But you're not gonna be scarred for life and
swear off girls?  Because you're really cute, and you'll make a good catch
for someone more like you."
     "Thanks."  I smiled at her.  "I'll be fine.  I think you're right.  We
just weren't working out together."
     "We're so different."
     I nodded.  "Polar opposites."
     "I know there's someone for you.  I hope you find her soon."  She
squeezed my hand and stood.  "I'm gonna take off.  Tony asked me to go with
him to another party once I did this.  Tell Chris I'm sorry I couldn't stay
for midnight.  Will he be mad?"
     I shook my head.  "He'll understand."
     "Good.  See you later."  She walked toward the gate, then stopped and
turned back to me, brushing a stray hair behind her ear.  "Can we still be
friends and lab partners?  Like, you won't run away from me in chemistry
next Monday?"
     "Yeah.  I'd like that.  If you want to."
     "Of course."  She smiled.  "See you then."  She turned and walked up
the driveway.  A minute later, a truck roared out the gate, and Allie waved
to me through the passenger window.  I waved back and watched the tail
lights until they disappeared around a curve.
     And then she was gone.
     It was all over.  The one thing that I knew, that my one true love
would be my first love, had run away like a rabbit after a thunderclap. 
But it had been a learning experience.  I finally knew what everyone else
seemed to know already -- that true love was going to require more from me
than just falling into it headfirst.  I'd need to know the girl, need to be
a friend to her and not just friendly with her, before anything that could
call itself "true love" would happen.
     And maybe I already had her.
     ["I know there's someone for you."]
     I wondered exactly how much she knew.  Wondered how much Heather had
told her.
     It would be Monday, when I would tell her about Sarah, before I found
out.
     I stood from the curb and headed back to the house.
     Elaine and Amy stood outside the front door, sharing a cigarette. 
They whispered to each other frantically as I approached.
     "Hey, girls," I said as I reached them.  They immediately stopped
whispering and looked at me.
     "We saw what happened," Amy said.  "Are you all right?"
     "Never better.  Have you seen Sarah?"
     They looked at each other.  Elaine burst into cackles as they
exchanged a very visible high-five.
     "She's on the parents' balcony," Amy said, taking the cigarette from
Elaine's fingers before she dropped it.  "It's ten to midnight.  You can
still get to her in time for a kiss."
     "That's what I was hoping.  Thanks."  I smiled and walked inside as
Elaine started laughing again.  The party was roaring just as I had left
it, except that someone had tuned into a New Year's broadcast on TV and
cranked it up all the way.  I cut through the crowd to the stairs, bounded
up them two at a time, and went into Dave and Patty's room.  This room was
usually off limits for parties.  I couldn't help but think I was being set
up again.
     Only this time, I wanted the plan to go through.
     I closed and locked the door behind me, then walked to the glass
balcony door.  Sarah stood at the edge of the balcony, looking out over the
city lights, toward Sun Devil Stadium.  The moonlight caught her face just
the right way, and I couldn't help but feel I was staring at some kind of
goddess.
     The door creaked slightly as I went out onto the balcony.  She turned
and smiled shyly.  I returned it.
     "What are you doing out here?" I asked.  "You're missing a hell of a
party."
     She shook her head.  "I'm not really in the mood for it.  I'm just
waiting for the fireworks.  You know."  She turned back toward the city.
     I walked over and stood next to her.  Tempe shone brightly below us,
and Phoenix beyond it.  I could even faintly make out the lights from
Paradise Valley.  Sarah, though, seemed to outshine them all.
     She cleared her throat.  "What are you doing out here?"
     "Looking for you."  I looked down.  "I just wanted to tell you that
Allie and I broke up."
     "Really?  When?"
     "A couple of minutes ago, out in front."
     She looked at me.  "Should I be sorry?"
     "No, not really.  I wanted to, she wanted to.  It's better this way. 
Any longer and I probably would have driven her nuts."
     "Or vice versa."
     We both forced a laugh.  She looked back out over the lights.  I
couldn't tear my gaze away from her, though.  Not when I was about to do
something I'd wanted to do my whole life, especially the last three years
of it.
     "Truth or dare?"
     She looked up at me.  "What?"
     I wasn't sure where it came from either.  But I wanted her answer.
     She cleared her throat.  "Truth."
     "Are you happy that I'm not with Allie anymore?"
     "Yes."  She turned back to the city.  "But not just for the obvious
selfish reasons.  I could see that she was just kinda using you, didn't
really appreciate all that you were willing to do for her.  I think you'll
be happier without her."  She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. 
"Truth or dare?"
     "Truth."
     "Did you break up over me?"
     I chuckled.  "That was my intention.  But I guess her New Year's
resolution was to stand on her own.  She dragged me outside, said she
wanted to just be friends, and took off."
     She laughed.  "And you were cool with that?"
     "Of course.  She's a nice person, but I didn't want to continue dating
her any more than she wanted to continue dating me."  I took a step closer
to her.  "Truth or dare?"
     "Truth."
     "Would you be offended if I told you that my New Year's resolution was
to be with you?"
     She blushed and looked down.  "No.  In fact, that's exactly what I
wanted you to say."  She looked up and stepped toward me, leaving mere
inches between us.  "Truth or dare?"
     From below, I could barely hear the countdown start at ten.  The word
came out before I could think.  "Dare."
     She moved even closer, spoke in a near whisper.  "Kiss me."
     I put my hands on her shoulders.  Her arms snaked around my waist. 
The counting from downstairs grew louder as our faces came closer.  As one
rolled past and the cheering started, our lips pressed together.
     There are no words that can adequately describe how true, how right it
was to kiss Sarah Lowell at the very start of the new year, under the light
of the moon, while hundreds of people cheered somewhere in the ether.  It
was exactly the moment I'd always craved, the perfect romantic beginning to
a relationship that I knew -- this time for sure -- was the right one.
     We missed the fireworks, though I saw them through my closed eyelids
and felt others rock my entire body as we kissed for what seemed like
another year, though it wasn't nearly long enough.  We separated and gazed
into each other's eyes, having finally found each other after years of
being close enough to touch.
     She smiled.  "Happy New Year."
     I returned the smile.  "It will be."  We wrapped our arms tightly
around each other, and she nestled into my chest.  "Truth or dare?"
     "Dare."
     I kissed the top of her head.  "Love me."
     She turned her head up and kissed my neck.  "I already do."