So apparently the Oscars were this week. I still don't know what won best picture, and frankly I don't really care. I don't even know what five movies were nominated this year. I probably don't even know what they're about. The sun has long set on me being a film fan, to the degree that I may be the only user of LiveJournal to not have "movies" listed in his interests.

But that's not why I don't care about the Oscars. The whole concept of an industry giving itself an award seems a bit masturbatory for my tastes. Sure, as the people who make the films they're the ones who should know what constitutes a good one, but the entire gala has spiraled out of control. This year a ten-year-old had to borrow a $10,000 necklace just to go to the show.

And then it's overflowed into the rest of the entertainment industry. They hand out stupid statues for TV shows, plays, re-cut and remixed samples songs, even music videos (which, if you're lucky, you might catch between commercial blocks at three in the morning). VH1 has three awards shows all by itself.

Perhaps the most unnecessary so far is the Food Network Awards. Yes. This channel has a stable of like ten talents, and they're gonna give them awards. Honestly, what's the point? You're already paying them and promoting them in your commercials; do they also need a useless piece of plastic?

So to save us all some time, I thought I'd go ahead and give out the Food Network Awards, Moyamedia Edition.

• Best Use of Butter as a Hair Fixative: Paula Deen.
  
• Loudest: Rachael Ray. (Runner-up: Emeril Lagasse.)
  
• Best Dessert Subterfuge: Duff Goldman. His cakes look fantastic, but nobody ever says what they taste like.
  
• The "Token" Award (Given for Extraordinary Achievement in the Field of Being a Minority): Dan Smith and Steve McDonough, homosexuals. (Runner-up: the new Chairman, "Japanese." Dude's from Hawaii, guys, come on. But I guess he's the closest thing Food Network's got to a racial minority anymore. Even Roker got the shaft this season.)
  
• Most Tenacious: Sara Moulton. Seriously, homegirl's hanging on to her time slot by her fingernails.
  
• Most in Need of a Speech Coach: Tyler Florence. (Runner-up: Dave Lieberman.)
  
• Best Mountain Dew Commercial: Guy Fieri.
  
• Best Knockers: Giada DiLaurentiis. (Runner-up: Nigella Lawson. Sandra Lee would have also been up there if anyone believed hers were real. I mean, come on. Three years ago they were hanging around her elbows.)
  
• Most Overshadowed by Amateurs: Bobby Flay.
  
• Highest: Michael Chiarello. (Runner-up: Ina Garten.)
  
• Holy Crap, Someone Still Cooks on This Channel Award: Mario Batali.
  
• Most Severely Frightening Makeover: Tie, Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee.
  
• Best Host Evar Oh Em Gee: Alton Brown. Not for that Iron Chef America shit, though.